Love Versus Control
Love and control can sometimes look similar from the outside, especially when a person uses words such as “I am doing this because I love you.” However, their purposes are very different. Love seeks the wellbeing of the other person while respecting their dignity, responsibility, and humanity. Control seeks to manage the other person’s choices, movements, relationships, money, thoughts, or behavior so that the controlling person feels secure, powerful, or in charge. A husband may genuinely want to protect his wife, but protection becomes control when he begins treating her as someone who cannot think, decide, or function responsibly without his permission. For example, saying, “Please let me know when you arrive safely because I care about you,” is different from saying, “You are not allowed to go anywhere unless I approve it.” The first expresses concern. The second establishes control. Understanding this difference is essential to the command to love one’s wife because love cannot be separated from respect for the person being loved.
What is the difference between loving protection and controlling behavior?
Loving protection is behavior intended to reduce genuine danger or unnecessary harm while still respecting the other person’s ability to make reasonable decisions. Controlling behavior is the attempt to restrict another person’s choices primarily because the controlling person wants power, certainty, or obedience. For example, if a wife is travelling late at night, a husband may say, “Please call me when you arrive so I know you are safe,” and even offer to pick her up. That is protective. But if he says, “You are not allowed to leave the house after 6 p.m. because I am your husband,” that is control. The important difference is whether the husband is responding to a genuine concern through reasonable cooperation or imposing unnecessary restrictions on his wife. Protection says, “How can I help keep you safe?” Control says, “I must control what you do so I can feel secure.” A loving husband can have concerns and express them clearly, but he should not use concern as a permanent excuse to remove his wife’s ability to make responsible choices.
Can jealousy be mistaken for love?
Yes, jealousy can easily be mistaken for love because jealousy can appear to communicate that a person cares deeply about the relationship and does not want to lose it. However, jealousy itself is an emotion, not proof of love. A husband may feel jealous because he is afraid of losing his wife, feels insecure about himself, distrusts someone else, or interprets an ordinary interaction as a threat. For example, if a wife speaks to a male colleague at work, her husband may feel uncomfortable. The feeling itself does not make him a bad husband. What matters is what he does with that feeling. He can communicate honestly by saying, “I noticed that I felt uncomfortable when I saw how close you seemed to him. Can we talk about it?” That is very different from accusing her of being unfaithful, insulting her, searching her phone without justification, or forbidding her from speaking to male colleagues. Healthy love manages jealousy through communication and trust. Unhealthy jealousy turns fear into restrictions and punishment. A person can be jealous and still love, but jealousy should never be used as evidence that controlling behavior is loving.
Can possessiveness be mistaken for love?
Possessiveness can be mistaken for love because phrases such as “You are mine” or “I cannot live without you” can sound romantic, especially when they are expressed affectionately. There is nothing inherently wrong with spouses expressing belonging, commitment, or exclusivity. Marriage involves a special relationship in which husband and wife commit themselves to one another. The problem begins when “you are my wife” is interpreted to mean “therefore I own you.” A wife is not her husband’s property. For example, a husband can lovingly say, “You are my wife, and I am deeply committed to you,” while still recognizing that she is an adult human being with her own thoughts, responsibilities, friendships, abilities, and dignity. Possessiveness becomes unhealthy when the husband believes he has the right to determine who she can speak to, where she can go, what she can wear, whether she can work, or what she is allowed to think simply because she is married to him. Love creates belonging without destroying individuality. Marriage creates commitment, not ownership of another human being.
Can monitoring your wife constantly be called love?
Constant monitoring should not automatically be called love simply because the husband says he is concerned about his wife. Reasonable communication can be part of a healthy marriage, especially when spouses need to coordinate schedules, children, work, finances, or safety. However, constant monitoring can become controlling when the purpose is to track, interrogate, intimidate, or restrict the other person’s behavior. For example, asking, “What time will you be home?” because the couple needs to plan dinner is normal communication. Demanding that a wife report her exact location every few minutes, interrogating her about every person she speaks to, repeatedly calling because she has not responded immediately, or demanding access to every private conversation may indicate a deeper trust problem. A husband might say, “I need to know where you are because I love you,” but if the real purpose is to make sure she cannot do anything without him knowing, the behavior is control. Healthy marriage requires reasonable transparency, but transparency should develop from trust and mutual responsibility, not from surveillance.
Does a husband have the right to know everything his wife does?
Marriage requires openness about matters that affect the marriage, but it does not mean that spouses cease to be individual human beings with ordinary personal space. A husband should know important things that affect their shared life, such as major financial decisions, significant family responsibilities, travel plans, issues involving children, and matters that could affect the safety or stability of the household. At the same time, not every thought, conversation, interaction, or moment of a spouse’s day needs to be reported as though she were an employee reporting to a supervisor. For example, a wife may have a private conversation with her sister about something personal. That does not automatically mean she is hiding something from her husband. Similarly, a husband may have ordinary conversations with colleagues or friends without providing his wife with a detailed transcript of every conversation. Healthy marriage is transparent about matters that require transparency while respecting appropriate privacy. The standard should be mutual trust and the protection of the relationship, not the elimination of all personal boundaries.
Can restricting your wife’s friendships be called love?
Restricting a wife’s friendships is not automatically an expression of love. A husband may have legitimate concerns about a particular friendship if the person is encouraging infidelity, criminal behavior, destructive habits, serious disrespect toward the marriage, or other harmful conduct. In that situation, he should explain his concerns and discuss them with his wife. For example, he might say, “I am concerned about this friendship because I have noticed that this person repeatedly encourages you to hide things from me and makes disrespectful comments about our marriage. Can we talk about it?” That is very different from saying, “You are married now, so you are not allowed to have friends.” A healthy husband recognizes that his wife needs healthy relationships beyond the marriage. Friends, family members, professional relationships, and community connections can contribute to a person’s wellbeing. Love should help a spouse make wise choices rather than isolating them from everyone except the controlling partner. Isolation can become especially dangerous when a person is prevented from maintaining relationships that could provide emotional support and perspective.
Can a husband forbid his wife from seeing people he dislikes?
Disliking someone does not automatically give a husband the right to forbid his wife from interacting with that person. Marriage requires discussion about relationships that affect the family, but disagreement should not automatically become a command. For example, perhaps the husband dislikes one of his wife’s friends because they have personalities that do not get along. He can explain his concerns and ask his wife to consider them. He might say, “I do not feel comfortable around this person because of these specific things I have observed.” His wife can then evaluate the concern. If there is genuine evidence that the friendship is harmful to the marriage, they should address it seriously. But if the husband’s only reason is, “I don’t like her,” the matter may require compromise rather than prohibition. A husband who says, “You must stop seeing her because I said so,” may be exercising authority without demonstrating wisdom. Love does not require spouses to like every person their partner knows. It requires them to communicate respectfully about relationships that matter.
Can controlling your wife’s finances be called love?
Financial responsibility can be an important part of marriage, but financial control is different from responsible financial leadership or cooperation. A husband and wife may agree that one person will manage the household budget, but that arrangement should be understood as a shared responsibility rather than a license for one spouse to financially imprison the other. For example, a husband may manage the family budget, pay bills, monitor business income, or plan investments while keeping his wife informed and involved in major decisions. That can be healthy. But if he deliberately withholds money to punish her, refuses to tell her about family finances, prevents her from accessing money needed for basic necessities, takes her income without agreement, or makes her financially dependent so that she cannot leave a dangerous situation, that is not loving leadership. Healthy financial management creates stability and accountability. Financial control creates dependence and fear. A husband should ask himself whether his financial practices help his wife become secure and responsible or whether they make her powerless.
Should a husband control his wife’s income because he is the head of the family?
Being a husband or family leader does not automatically mean that every financial resource belongs solely to him or that his wife has no financial voice. Marriage involves shared responsibilities, and the specific financial arrangement can differ between couples. One couple may combine their income completely. Another may maintain separate accounts while contributing to shared expenses. Another may have one spouse managing most financial matters because that person has stronger financial skills. What matters is whether the arrangement is mutually understood, responsible, transparent, and fair. For example, if the wife earns more than the husband, it would be destructive for either spouse to say, “My money is mine and yours is mine because I am the husband.” Instead, they should discuss household needs, savings, investments, personal spending, debt, children, and long-term goals. Leadership should increase order and security, not create financial domination. A husband’s responsibility to lead his family should never become an excuse for hiding money, exploiting his wife’s income, or denying her a meaningful voice in decisions that affect her life.
Can demanding obedience without discussion be called love?
Demanding obedience without discussion is not a healthy definition of love. A marriage may contain different responsibilities, and couples may voluntarily agree that one spouse takes the lead in particular decisions, but leadership does not eliminate communication or the other spouse’s ability to speak. A husband who says, “I have decided, so you must obey and you are not allowed to question me,” creates an environment in which fear replaces partnership. For example, if a husband wants to move the family to another city, a major decision affecting employment, children, finances, housing, and social relationships, he should not simply announce, “We are moving next month because I said so.” A loving husband should hear his wife’s concerns, explain his reasoning, consider alternatives, and work toward a decision that takes the whole family seriously. Even when a final decision must be made, the process should communicate respect. Leadership is not measured by how successfully a man silences everyone around him. It is measured by how responsibly he carries the weight of decisions and how well he protects the people entrusted to him.
Does respecting your wife mean allowing her to do anything she wants?
No. Respect does not mean the absence of boundaries, responsibilities, agreements, or consequences. A wife remains responsible for her choices, just as a husband remains responsible for his. Respect means treating her as a responsible adult whose thoughts and dignity matter. For example, a husband does not have to accept his wife secretly taking large amounts of family money, having an affair, deliberately neglecting agreed responsibilities, or engaging in behavior that seriously harms the family simply because he respects her. He can confront the problem firmly while still speaking to her with dignity. He might say, “I love you, but this behavior is damaging our marriage and cannot continue. We need to address it.” Respect therefore does not mean passive acceptance. It means refusing to use humiliation, threats, violence, intimidation, or unnecessary domination to solve the problem. A spouse can say no without becoming cruel. A boundary can be firm without becoming controlling.
What does healthy leadership look like compared with domination?
Healthy leadership is responsibility exercised for the good of the people involved, while domination is power exercised primarily to control other people. A healthy husband does not ask only, “How can I get my wife to do what I want?” He asks, “What decision best serves our marriage and family, and how can I involve my wife responsibly in reaching it?” For example, if the family has a financial problem, a dominating husband might hide information and make unilateral decisions while blaming everyone else. A healthy leader would gather the facts, discuss the problem with his wife, listen to her ideas, make responsible decisions, and accept responsibility for the outcome. Healthy leadership is willing to listen because listening does not make a leader weak. It can make the leader wiser. Domination fears disagreement because disagreement is interpreted as loss of power. Healthy leadership can tolerate disagreement because its purpose is not to prove superiority. It is to produce good outcomes and protect the relationship.
Why does genuine love allow dignity, responsibility, and appropriate freedom?
Genuine love allows dignity, responsibility, and appropriate freedom because a spouse is a human being, not an object owned by another person. Dignity means recognizing that your wife has inherent worth and should not be humiliated or treated as inferior. Responsibility means allowing her to make decisions, experience appropriate consequences, learn, contribute, and develop competence. Appropriate freedom means allowing reasonable personal choices while respecting the agreements and responsibilities of marriage. For example, a wife may choose what clothes she prefers, maintain healthy friendships, develop a career, pursue education, participate in community activities, and make ordinary personal decisions without needing permission for every small action. At the same time, major decisions that affect the marriage should be discussed because marriage creates shared obligations. Freedom in marriage is therefore not “I can do anything without considering my husband.” It is “I remain a responsible person while also honoring the commitments we have made to each other.” Love does not destroy individuality. It brings two individuals into a committed partnership.
Why can control actually damage the love a husband is trying to protect?
Control can damage love because a person who is constantly controlled may eventually stop feeling emotionally safe with the controlling spouse. Instead of thinking, “My husband protects me,” she may begin thinking, “My husband does not trust me.” Instead of freely communicating, she may start hiding ordinary information simply to avoid conflict. For example, if a husband becomes angry every time his wife spends time with her friends, she may eventually stop telling him when she meets them. The husband may then interpret the secrecy as evidence that she cannot be trusted, causing him to increase his monitoring, which creates even more secrecy. A cycle develops. The husband believes he is protecting the marriage, while his methods are actually weakening trust. Healthy relationships require enough freedom for honesty to exist. If telling the truth always results in punishment, people eventually become afraid to communicate openly. Love therefore needs security without surveillance and closeness without imprisonment.
Can excessive control create resentment in a wife?
Yes. Excessive control can create resentment because a wife may feel that her husband sees her as incapable of making responsible decisions or as someone whose independence must be suppressed. Even when she initially cooperates to avoid conflict, resentment may build underneath the surface. For example, if a husband controls what his wife wears, who she speaks to, where she goes, how she spends every amount of money, and when she can see her family, she may eventually feel that she is living under supervision rather than participating in a marriage. She may stop feeling respected even if he tells her that everything is “because I love you.” Over time, resentment can reduce affection, communication, sexual intimacy, emotional openness, and willingness to cooperate. This does not mean that every disagreement or restriction automatically creates resentment. The important issue is the pattern. When one person consistently uses power to limit another person’s reasonable choices, the relationship can become emotionally suffocating.
Can excessive freedom also damage a marriage?
Yes. Rejecting control does not mean that marriage should have no boundaries or responsibilities. Excessive individualism can also damage marriage when a spouse begins behaving as though marriage has no effect on personal choices. For example, a wife who says, “It is my money, my time, my friends, my body, and my life, so I do not need to discuss anything with my husband,” may technically be demanding independence but may also be ignoring the shared nature of marriage. If she makes major financial decisions, travels without communication, maintains relationships that openly undermine the marriage, or makes major family decisions without considering her husband, the problem is no longer healthy independence. Marriage requires mutual consideration. The goal is not maximum control or maximum independence. The goal is responsible freedom within a committed relationship. Both spouses should be able to say, “I have a life and identity of my own, but I also recognize that my choices affect the person I married.”
How should a husband express concern without becoming controlling?
A husband should express concern by explaining what he has observed, why it concerns him, what he fears might happen, and then allowing his wife to respond. For example, instead of saying, “You are forbidden from going there,” he could say, “I am worried about that environment because I have seen people there encourage behavior that could hurt our marriage. I want us to talk about it before you decide.” This approach treats his wife as someone capable of hearing information and making a responsible decision. If the matter involves a serious shared responsibility, he can clearly state what boundary he believes the marriage needs. But even then, he should explain rather than simply command. Communication changes the question from “How do I control my wife?” to “How do we handle this problem wisely?” A husband can be firm without being authoritarian. He can express strong disagreement without treating disagreement itself as disobedience.
What should a husband do when he feels insecure about another man?
When a husband feels insecure about another man, he should first recognize that the feeling belongs to him and then examine whether there is actual evidence of a relationship problem. He should not automatically punish his wife for an emotion he has not investigated. For example, if his wife works with a male colleague and they communicate professionally, the husband may feel jealous. He can honestly say, “I noticed that I felt insecure when I saw how often you were communicating with him. I want to talk about it rather than making assumptions.” The wife can explain the relationship and any relevant boundaries. If there is genuine inappropriate behavior, they can address it together. But if the husband discovers that his fear was based largely on insecurity, he has an opportunity to work on his own confidence and trust. A husband’s insecurity is real as an emotion, but an emotion is not automatically evidence. Healthy love allows the husband to express insecurity without turning it into punishment or control.
How should a husband respond if his wife has a friendship that genuinely threatens the marriage?
If there is genuine evidence that a friendship is encouraging infidelity, disrespect, dishonesty, addiction, violence, or another serious threat to the marriage, the husband should address the specific behavior rather than simply attacking the friend. He can explain what he has observed and why it concerns him. For example, if a friend repeatedly encourages the wife to hide messages from her husband or tells her that she should have an affair, the husband has a legitimate reason to be concerned. The couple should discuss boundaries around that relationship. However, the husband should still avoid unnecessary intimidation or isolation. The wife should also take her husband’s concerns seriously rather than automatically defending every friendship. Healthy marriage requires both spouses to protect the relationship from influences that can damage it. The principle should be mutual. A husband should also be willing to examine his own friendships and accept reasonable concerns from his wife. Protection of the marriage cannot be a one-way rule applied only to her.
How can a husband lead without making his wife feel like a child?
A husband can lead without making his wife feel like a child by treating her as an adult partner whose intelligence, experience, and judgment matter. A child is generally expected to obey because the parent has responsibility and authority over the child’s development. A wife is not her husband’s child. She is his adult spouse. For example, if the couple is deciding whether to purchase a house, a husband should not say, “I know better, so you don’t need to understand the details.” He should explain the financial situation, ask for her perspective, consider her concerns, and make a responsible decision together where appropriate. If he has greater knowledge in a particular area, he can use that knowledge without humiliating her. Likewise, if she has greater knowledge in another area, he should be willing to learn from her. Leadership becomes mature when competence is used to serve the family rather than to prove superiority. A husband should want his wife to become wiser and stronger, not more dependent and afraid.
Why should a husband welcome his wife’s honest disagreement?
A husband should welcome honest disagreement because disagreement can reveal information he may not have considered. Two people do not have identical experiences, knowledge, personalities, or perspectives. If a husband refuses to hear disagreement, he can make serious mistakes simply because nobody feels safe enough to challenge him. For example, he may want to invest a large amount of money into a business opportunity. His wife may notice risks he has overlooked. If he immediately says, “You are challenging my authority,” he may lose valuable information. A better response is, “Tell me what concerns you. I want to understand your reasoning.” Listening does not mean he must agree with everything she says. It means he respects her enough to consider her perspective. A wise leader is not someone who is never challenged. A wise leader is someone who can hear challenges without becoming defensive and can change direction when better information becomes available.
What does trust look like in a healthy marriage?
Trust in a healthy marriage means having reasonable confidence that your spouse will act with honesty, loyalty, responsibility, and consideration even when you are not watching. Trust does not mean believing that your spouse is incapable of making mistakes. It means believing that mistakes can be addressed honestly rather than assuming betrayal everywhere. For example, a husband who trusts his wife does not need to know her location every minute of every day. He can trust that she will communicate important information, respect the boundaries of their marriage, and tell him when something significant happens. Likewise, a wife should not need to monitor her husband’s every movement simply to feel secure. Trust develops through repeated experiences of reliability. If trust has been seriously damaged, rebuilding it may require increased transparency for a period of time. But the goal should eventually be restored confidence rather than permanent surveillance. A marriage without trust can become exhausting because every ordinary activity begins to look suspicious.
How should a husband handle a situation where trust has genuinely been broken?
When trust has genuinely been broken, a husband should not pretend that nothing happened, but he should also avoid responding with unlimited control. If his wife has lied, betrayed an agreement, or violated an important boundary, he should address the behavior honestly. For example, he can say, “What happened damaged my trust, and I need us to understand why it happened and what we are going to do differently.” The couple may need temporary boundaries, increased transparency, counseling, or other practical measures depending on the situation. However, the purpose should be restoration rather than permanent imprisonment. If the wife demonstrates consistent honesty over time, the husband should gradually allow trust to grow again. Otherwise, the marriage can become permanently defined by suspicion. Trust cannot be rebuilt by surveillance alone. Eventually, the person who was hurt must decide whether the evidence of change is sufficient to begin trusting again. The person who caused the damage must accept that rebuilding trust takes time and cannot be demanded.
What is the difference between authority and domination?
Authority is the legitimate responsibility to make or influence decisions within a particular role, while domination is the use of power to suppress another person’s dignity, voice, or freedom. A husband may have responsibilities as a husband and father, but those responsibilities should be exercised for service, protection, order, and the wellbeing of the family. Domination says, “I have power over you.” Responsible authority says, “I have responsibility for what happens here, so I must serve wisely.” For example, if a family faces a crisis and someone must make a quick decision, the husband may need to take decisive action. But after the crisis, he should be willing to explain what happened and listen to his wife’s perspective. Domination uses authority to silence. Healthy authority uses responsibility to serve. The difference can often be seen in what the leader wants from the relationship. A dominating person wants submission to prove power. A responsible leader wants cooperation because it produces better outcomes.
How can a husband know whether he is protecting his wife or controlling her?
A husband can examine his motive, method, proportionality, and willingness to accept his wife’s responsible choices. He can ask himself, “Am I responding to a real danger or to my insecurity?” “Would I accept this same rule if she applied it to me?” “Have I explained my concern, or have I simply issued a command?” “Does this restriction actually reduce a meaningful risk?” “What happens if she disagrees with me?” and “Am I willing to trust her when there is no evidence of wrongdoing?” For example, if he asks his wife to call when travelling at night, the request is connected to a reasonable safety concern. If he demands her location every ten minutes even when she is doing something ordinary and safe, he should examine whether fear has become surveillance. These questions can help a husband identify when protective instincts have crossed into control. A useful test is whether his behavior increases his wife’s safety and wellbeing or mainly increases his power over her.
What does love look like when a husband disagrees with his wife?
Love during disagreement means maintaining respect while dealing honestly with the issue. A husband does not have to agree with his wife simply to prove that he loves her. He can strongly disagree and still communicate that she is valuable. For example, if they disagree about a major financial decision, he can say, “I understand why you see it that way, but I believe the financial risk is too high. Let us look at the numbers together.” He should avoid insults such as “You are stupid,” “You never understand anything,” or “You are just a woman, so you don’t know how these things work.” Those statements attack her dignity instead of addressing the issue. Healthy disagreement focuses on the problem rather than destroying the person. A husband can say no, challenge an idea, set a boundary, or argue strongly without treating his wife as an enemy. Love is not proven by the absence of disagreement. It is proven by how spouses behave when disagreement occurs.
Why does control often begin with fear?
Control often begins with fear because a person may attempt to manage another person’s behavior when they feel unable to tolerate uncertainty. A husband may fear that his wife will leave him, betray him, meet someone else, become more successful than him, make a decision he dislikes, or become independent. Instead of dealing with the underlying fear, he may attempt to eliminate the possibility of uncertainty by controlling her. For example, a husband who is afraid his wife might meet another man may forbid her from having male friends. The restriction may temporarily make him feel safer, but it does not actually create trust. His fear may simply move to another area. He may eventually worry about her coworkers, relatives, phone, social media, or travel. The underlying problem is insecurity rather than the specific person being controlled. Healthy love learns to manage fear through communication, trust, boundaries, self-development, and appropriate relationship agreements. Control tries to manage fear by managing another human being.
What should a husband do with his fear of losing his wife?
A husband should face the fear honestly rather than turning it into control. He can ask himself what exactly he is afraid of and whether the fear is based on evidence or insecurity. If his wife has given him no reason to suspect betrayal, he should not create a prison around her simply because he fears losing her. He can strengthen the relationship by becoming a trustworthy husband, communicating openly, showing affection, keeping promises, resolving conflict, maintaining emotional connection, and building a marriage that both people want to protect. For example, instead of saying, “You cannot go out because I am afraid someone will take you from me,” he can invest in the relationship so that both spouses feel secure and valued. The uncomfortable truth is that love cannot guarantee that another person will never leave. Every adult has the ability to make choices. What a husband can do is build a relationship worth staying in and behave in ways that make trust possible. Trying to eliminate every possibility of loss through control can destroy the very relationship he is afraid of losing.
What does “love your wife as yourself” mean in relation to control?
To love your wife as yourself means treating her in the way you would reasonably want to be treated if you were in her position. If you would not want your wife monitoring your phone every hour, you should question whether doing the same to her is loving. If you would want freedom to maintain healthy friendships, you should recognize her need for healthy relationships. If you would want your opinions heard before major decisions are made, you should listen to hers. If you would want your wife to trust you when you have given her no reason to doubt you, you should extend similar trust to her. This does not mean that husbands and wives must have identical rules for every situation. Different responsibilities can exist. It means that the underlying dignity should be mutual. A husband should never use the phrase “love your wife as yourself” to justify treating his wife in a way he himself would experience as humiliating, frightening, isolating, or oppressive.
What is the deepest lesson about love versus control?
The deepest lesson is that love seeks to build a person and a relationship, while control seeks to manage a person. Love says, “I care about your safety, your character, your wellbeing, and our relationship.” Control says, “I need you to behave a certain way so that I can feel secure or powerful.” Love can establish boundaries. Love can say no. Love can confront wrongdoing. Love can ask for faithfulness, honesty, responsibility, and respect. But love does not need to destroy dignity in order to accomplish these things. A husband who truly loves his wife should want her to become responsible, wise, confident, capable, and secure, not frightened, isolated, helpless, and dependent on his permission for ordinary life. He should lead through responsibility rather than domination, protect through wisdom rather than surveillance, express concern rather than issue unnecessary restrictions, and build trust rather than manufacture obedience through fear. In practical terms, the question a husband should continually ask is not merely, “Does she obey me?” but, “Does the way I love her help her become the best, healthiest, wisest, and most secure woman she can become while we build our life together?” That question exposes the difference between love that serves and control that possesses.
